Elyse Watches The Bachelor Episode Four: Cow Poop

Previously on Elyse Watches the Bachelor…

Last week on The Bachelor Nick Viall went on a one-on-one date with Vanessa, kissed her AFTER she threw up, thereby making me almost throw up, he sent home Dominque after she complained that he wasn’t paying attention to her, and Corinne (now obviously typecast as “the villain”) rented a bouncy castle. The episode ended with Vanessa calling Nick out on his playboy ways (while awesomely making  a point of not slut-shaming the other women).

Pour yourself an adult beverage and join me as we journey with twenty-ish (don’t make me count) women as they search for love with this guy:

LOLOLOL KIDDING. We’re here for the awesome ladies, the exotic travel, the free booze, and the meet and greets with The Backstreet Boys.

On with the show!

The episode opens up fresh on the drama from last week. Many of the women aren’t happy that Nick elected to dry hump Corinne in the bouncy castle during a pool party.  I went to Google the hourly rental rate of a bouncy castle, prepared to contend that if you shell out X number of dollars for an inflatable palace you get to do whatever you want with it, and Google immediately auto-filled with this:

 

Canada, why the fuck do you need so many bouncy castles?!

Anyway, Vanessa calls Nick on his bullshit asking, “Are you looking for a wife or just someone to fuck around with?”

To which Nick sagely replies, “Like. I don’t know.”

Taylor and Sarah sit down with Corinne and tell her that many of the women don’t like her approach to wooing Nick. I think this is really just a reflection of the fact that, among a diverse cast of women, there will be varying degrees of comfort regarding sexuality.

Corinne knows this. She acknowledges that she’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and says, “You do you, girl. Imma do me.”

Right on, Corinne. Right on.

Then Chris Harrison appears out of the bushes where he definitely wasn’t just masturbating to announce that it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony!

Now that Corinne has been cast as “the villain” we know she’ll hang around till there are, at the most, five women left. So when it comes down to Corinne, Christen and Brittany, we know that Corinne is safe.

I love that when it’s down to the last rose people, Chris Harrison steps out and says,  “Ladies. Nick. We’re down to the final rose tonight.”

LIKE WE CAN’T FUCKING COUNT CHRIS.

The next morning Chris Harrison reappears, reminds the women that they’re down to 15 now (thanks for counting bro) and tells them to pack their bags because it’s time to globe trot with Nick!

All the women scream.

Chris tells them they will be going to Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, WI!

The mood dampens considerably.

Look, I love Milwaukee. I almost got kicked out of a Brewers game there because of a headband made out of pink dildos. I love eating at the Public Market, I took art classes for years at MIAD, and I will fight you for that last slice of Mama Mia’s lasagna. Milwaukee has beautiful Little Yarn Stores and The Boswell Book Company. But yeah, when you’ve been expecting Tahiti, Milwaukee will be a little bit of a let down.

They do get to stay in a new McMansion on the shore of Lake Michigan though (don’t go into the lake, girls. It’s fucking freezing. Even in July).

Danielle L gets the first one-on-one date with Nick. He takes her on a tour of his hometown of Waukesha (a suburb of Milwaukee) where he points out the library, “See the library over there? I used to hang out at the library. But not to study, I just used to like, make out with girls.”

There’s a shocking confession.

They go to a small bakery where they decorate cookies and share a very frosting-y kiss.  Then while walking through downtown they “conveniently” run into one of Nick’s ex’s, Amber.

Danielle L asks Amber why she thinks Nick is still on the market. My husband, Dewey and I held our collective breath, waiting for Amber to say something about his penis. Instead she says that Nick really feels things with his heart.

Cool. I feel things with my hands, generally speaking.

Then Nick and Danielle go to some hill outside a school where they make out and Nick confesses that he once made locker shelves to get a kiss from a girl. That feels oddly specific. Like was there a run on locker shelves that they become a precious commodity in 1998 or…?

Cut to a commercial for The Space Between Us, a movie about a guy WHO LEAVES MARS TO MEET A GIRL. Really makes your locker shelf story look sad, Nick.

Regardless, Danielle L gets a rose at the end of the date and they attend a Chris Lane concert.

The next group date takes place at a farm because Wisconsin. The ladies are surprised at the fact that farms, generally speaking, do not smell good. Now I personally think the smell of manure is lot less offensive than other things, but I drive through a lot of Dairyland every day.

Cut to Nick bottle feeding baby cows, which makes everyone’s ovaries explode. Everyone except Corinne, who, blessedly honest, isn’t feeling it.

Nick admits that he’s a city boy, but some real farmers show up and we know they’re from WI because they pronounce “milk” as “melk.” They tell the ladies it’s time to do some chores. Of course they have to milk a cow, and Nick doesn’t even warm up his hands first! You always say nice things to the cow, tell her she’s a pretty cow, a very good cow, a very smart cow who clearly could break the glass ceiling of any steer-dominated industry, then you warm up your hands, then you milk the cows. I could milk a cow in my sleep. For the record, Jaimi nails it.

Then we’re on to shoveling shit–and isn’t that a fitting metaphor for the show. There’s a lot of dry heaving. One of the women observes sarcastically, “I’m so happy I missed The Backstreet Boys for this.”

Corinne laments, “Dude. I need sushi.”

I just feel like Corrine gets me.

During the “cocktail party” of the date, the ladies and Nick go the Paine Art Center in my hometown. As a teenager I used to walk around that building and pretend I was a Regency debutante. There’s some bickering between Corinne and the other women, and then Nick gives Kristina the group date rose.

The next one-on-one date is with Raven where they hang out with Nick’s little sister, Bella, and her soccer team. After the game, the kids invite Nick and Raven to go to Skateland, a roller rink, with them. I bet the middle school girls were SUPER excited to have some producer yell at them: “Get in the shot with Nick! SMILE MORE! MAKE IT LOOK WHOLESOME!”

Remember going to the skate park as a kid? Remember how there was always this guy who was too old to be there by himself? And he always skated around in cut-off jean shorts? Our skate park had orange carpeting on the walls, which in retrospect had to be a horrifying fire code violation.

On the dinner portion of their date, Raven confesses to Nick that her last relationship ended due to infidelity. Ominous music plays in the background while she describes speeding to Little Rock, opening the door to their house, finding the bedroom door locked, KICKING IT OPEN LIKE A TOTAL BADASS, and catching her boyfriend on top of another woman. She fucking throws her then boyfriend off the other woman, picks up a stiletto heel off the ground, and beats her boyfriend with it.

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

You can see Nick crap his pants as Raven retells this story while making DIRECT FUCKING EYE CONTACT the entire time.

Raven is my new favorite. Sorry Alexis.

Nick, in terror for his life, gives Raven a rose with a shaking hand.

Then it’s on to the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Sparks fly between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor, a therapist, gives Corinne some advice that would normally cost hundreds of dollars regarding self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Taylor’s concern is that Corinne is too young and carefree to throw her life away on a guy like Nick. I mean, she doesn’t say that but the subtext is there.

At this point we’re both sauced and Rich, my husband, says “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if one of the Crows was on The Bachelor?” Hilarious? Yes, but we’d never see the footage because you can’t air violence like that on TV.

ABC cuts us off at Taylor and Corinne sparring, but does show a great clip of Nick talking to Alexis about how he dreams about ghosts sometimes. Alexis confesses that her two biggest fears are “Nicholas Cage, the actor, and aliens.”

DUDE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME.

So what do you think of the Taylor/Corinne feud? And more importantly, do you think any of the ladies could withstand a Wisconsin winter?